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Five days into 2020 I received an unexpected email from Fairfield University, the Connecticut college I graduated from in 2015. It informed me that my five-year reunion is coming up in June.
After a few minutes spent panicking over the fact that I’ve been out of school for nearly half a decade, I had a thought that turned all my worry to excitement: I can’t wait to see my crushes.
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I couldn't go to my five-year high school reunion, so I don’t have any firsthand attendee experience, but from what friends had told me, reunions sound horny as hell.
Stories about people flirting, leaving together to hook up, or exchanging numbers and forming connections that last long after the weekend ends made me wonder what it is about school reunions that makes people feel such strong sexual and romantic tension. So before attending my own, I decided to find out.
SEE ALSO: Just a Jim looking for his Pam: The fictional couples dominating dating app biosIn addition to speaking with an expert reunion planner and a psychologist who specializes in relationships, I chatted with a few people who've made romantic connections at their own reunions. Turns out, a number of things encourage people to shoot their shots at these types of events, and hooking up with people from your younger years as an adult is a lot more common than one might think.
New year, new you
One major reason people are so psyched to re-acquaint themselves with college classmates is because they've had a glow up of sorts over the years. Whether their physical appearance has changed or they've found a career path they're especially proud of, nearly everyone I spoke with said that increased confidence is a huge reason they not only felt more comfortable attending their reunion but were also more willing to put themselves out there romantically.
In 2009, Todd P., a 48-year-old office manager based in San Francisco, California, went to his 20th high school reunion for that very reason. Todd, who didn’t want his last name included in this piece, said he initially dreaded the event. But after getting roped into the planning process and realizing he was at a positive place in life, his excitement grew. “If things hadn’t been going well, I doubt I would have attended,” Todd stressed in an email.
"I was excited to go back to my reunion, selfishly because I think I've only improved as a person."
A newfound level of confidence is also what made Mia S., a 28-year-old writer living in New York, look forward to her 10th high school reunion in 2019. “I was excited to go back to my reunion, selfishly because I think I've only improved as a person and am pretty happy with where I am in life. There was no intent to like, brag and make people feel bad, but I'm proud and wanted to share that with the people who knew me before I was brave enough to even wear skinny jeans,” she explained in an email. (Mia asked to go by another name in this article.)
Alexandra Solomon, author, licensed clinical psychologist, and Assistant Professor at Northwestern University, gets how a reunion could be seen as a second chance to make a first impression. "It’s like, I now get to be that person I never was. I was too awkward to approach you at 17, but now with this fancy degree and fancy new job I can,” she said during a phone interview. “In that way it’s like healing awkward adolescence... like finishing the job that the young me couldn’t do.”
Curiosity and crushes
A desire to own one’s adult achievements isn’t the only thing driving reunion attendees. For Sarah M., a 26-year-old from Connecticut, curiosity about her former classmates was a much bigger draw.
“I was not very proud of anything I’d accomplished by the time my 5th [high school] reunion happened. I was at a job I hated and had no concrete plans for the future,” Sarah (who also asked not to use her last name) said in a message. “I was more interested in seeing how other people had changed than showing off any developments in my life.”
Sarah did feel like her reunion could provide an opportunity to connect with her old classmates, though, so she went in hopes of seeing a former crush. Turns out, that's a common incentive.
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"I had a crush on this guy for all of high school. I was over it by the time I went to my five-year, but I figured it would be kind of interesting to see him,” Sarah said. Though her crush wasn’t at the reunion, one of his friends was, and he ended up asking her out.
Mia also made a romantic connection at her reunion, with a guy “who was never quite a crush, but always crush-worthy.”
“We hadn't seen each other or spoken in years, nor are we connected on social media. I have maybe four memories of this person throughout our decade-plus of shared education,” she said. “But when we saw each other at the event, I feel like we kind of knew? Like maybe I had also been this peripheral crush to them back in school and now we were finally in an environment to pursue it freely. We got a drink at the bar and talked for basically the rest of the night!”
And Todd hit it off with someone unexpected at his 20-year reunion as well. “I barely spoke with this particular person in high school. I’d hesitate to even say we were friends. Both of us happened to attend the event without significant partners, so we gravitated to one another,” he said. “Things got romantic at the end of the evening. We stayed in touch for a bit afterwards, and I absolutely had a crush on her."
As for their connection, Todd says he thinks “familiarity, friendship, and common experiences” were the driving factors.
A foundation of familiarity and nostalgia
Solomon agrees that familiarity is an appealing aspect in a relationship, and feels that reunions perfectly exemplify an idea she calls "re-finding." Essentially, when you reconnect with someone, you remember certain things about them — such as how they smell or act — but because you’ve been apart for so long you’re also seeing a new side of them.
“When we’re drawn to somebody we crave two different things that seem to be the opposite of each other. We crave safety and security,” she said. “We crave that sense of, ‘you know me you get me.’ But we also crave novelty, a surprise and kind of mystery. So seeing somebody like a former crush at a reunion, they sit at the exact midway point between familiarity and novelty.”
"They sit at the exact midway point between familiarity and novelty."
Trying to connect with strangers is always a little intimidating, but at reunions you all share a connection to this one school, and thus, a baseline of familiarity. Solomon also noted that nostalgia plays a huge role in the charm of school reunions. Not only do the events bring up memories, places, and people from your past, but they also help remind you of a different version of yourself.
While a major part of nostalgia lies in missing other people or things, Solomon thinks that with reunions “there’s a piece that is a bit more narcissistic, like, I miss who I was at that moment in my life — who I used to be.”
“In connecting with you, old school sweetheart, I grant myself access to this part of me that I’m not anymore. I’m not the carefree high school senior or the college senior who had the world unfolding in front of me, but being with you I get to be that me again," she said.
Irresistible reunion vibes
A lot of emotional elements stoke reunion romances, but Linda Johnson Hoffman — expert event planner and author of The Reunion Planner —thinks setting and timing play a role in the magic, too.
Hoffman planned her 10th high school reunion in 1977, along with her 20th, 25th, 30th, 40th, 45th, and 50th reunions, so she knows that the atmosphere and ambiance of an event can really help set the mood.
“It helps to have a reunion at a nice venue with plenty of time to catch up,” she said in a Facebook message. “I’ve always planned a casual outdoor picnic in a large park on the following day after the reunion. That’s always more casual and relaxing with more time to reconnect.”
Reunion vibes are hard to resist. Credit: PETER DAZELEY / getty images There’s also something to be said for the short length and infrequency of school reunions. These isolated weekends help make people feel like they have very little to lose when trying to make a connection. If things don’t workout they can return to their lives and won’t have to interact with fellow classmates again until the next reunion, which they know will be years away.
"A reunion tends to have this like sense that time and space are a bit altered,” Solomon said. “That for sure can drop people’s inhibitions or quiet their better angels, because it sort of feels like this is low stakes. This is one night, this is not my real life.”
Sometimes reunion sparks last
While reunion vibes are strong in the moment, nearly everyone I spoke to who hooked up with or dated someone from their reunion fell back out of touch with the person.
Todd and his connection live on opposite coasts, so when the reunion ended they had to part ways. “Had we lived closer I would have absolutely wanted to spend more time together,” he said, “Although, a few months later she posted something about Hillary Clinton being the devil and I realized I might not have really known her that well.”
Sarah went on a date with her high school crush’s friend, and though the night didn’t go as planned she walked away with some valuable crush closure. “Weirdly when I got to the bar we were meeting at, the guy I actually had a crush on was there. As soon as I said hi to him I thought, ‘wow why was I ever so into him?’” she said.
“I proceeded to go on a date with his friend. We went to happy hour, then karaoke and got inordinately drunk for a Tuesday. I had fun but didn't really want to pursue it," she said. Six months later he moved to North Carolina, and the two haven’t spoken since.
After planning so many reunions, however, Hoffman can confirm that the hookups sometimes grow into substantial relationships. “Our class president and a classmate he liked in high school both graduated, married other people, divorced, and reconnected and became life partners after our 50th reunion,” she said.
"Also, over the years other alumni reconnected at reunions after divorces or deaths of spouses, and while they may not have gone to the reunion with the intention of having a new relationship, there is an instant feeling of trust, confidence, and comfort that just doesn’t occur in our daily lives with people we may meet.”
So next time you get invited to a school reunion, maybe give it a go. Who knows what potential connections await.