Imagine waking up to a scorpion as a sweet morning-after present. Or maybe you bring in a birthday with a handwritten card from Dad,?? ?? asking you to fuck off. Sounds hardcore right? Well, that’s how it’s done on Succession. Whether you're a Kendall babygirl, a Romuplus, or think Shiv is mother, standing by the Roy sibs — especially after Season 4's catastrophic episode 8— often reflects murkily on the moral compass.
But as HBO's highly popular series crawls to a painful close, there's one dreadful reality that remains unaddressed: no one, and I emphasize, no oneon Successionknows how to give good gifts. Even though Shiv (Sarah Snook), Kendall (Jeremy Strong), and Roman (Kieran Culkin), along with their allies and (fr)enemies, have a disgusting amount of money, they're terrible at spending it on anything actually thoughtful for each other — and they would never, ever makesomething, especially after Connor's (Alan Ruck) highly ridiculed sourdough starter for Logan's (Brian Cox) birthday in the first ever episode of Season 1.
SEE ALSO: 'Succession': 13 WTF quotes that will haunt my nightmares from episode 8In a world where you basically get everything you want, the Roys and those orbiting them never learn the tender, thoughtful, and mildly manipulative art of gift giving. Presents are a sure shot way to win brownie points, edge a friend closer, or even serve as bait. In the rich-eat-rich world of the show, the one percent constantly forget the power of genuinely thoughtful gestures. Successionis a lesson in the contrary, as the series shows us just how belittled and alone terrible gifts can make someone feel.
In honor of that very sentiment, here's a ranking of the worst gifts ever exchanged on the show.
8. Connor and Willa's Napoleon-Josephine letters
Uh...congratulations? Credit: David Russsell / HBO Who could have imagined that a Logan Roy gesture would emerge as the most thoughtful in any mix, and right before his death? In Season 4, episode 3, Connor and Willa (Justine Lupe) are set to be married, for better or worse. Before the ceremony and Logan's last minutes, the couple receive a wedding present from daddy dearest. No it’s not a heartfelt generational family heirloom — remember this is the Roys, a family who outwardly brand sentimentality a weakness.
In his typical standoffish money-is-everything fashion, Logan gives his firstborn a set of love letters that Napoleon Bonaparte wrote to his wife Josephine. It's a clear nod to Connor’s undying obsession with the French Emperor; the hopeless presidential candidate even tries to get his hands on Napoleon’s severed penis in Season 2, episode 1, when it hits auction (and yes, it is an actual collector's item). Sure, in some worlds this would make the groom happy but the truth is, all Connor really wanted was his father to show up to his wedding instead of attending a business deal. Despite its potential to be a hit, this love lore is sadly still a miss.
7. Tom's sycophantic Patek Philippe watch
A very expensive ass-kissing endeavour. Credit: Peter Kramer / HBO In the Successionseries premiere, Tom, overwhelmed by a bout of wishful thinking, tries to butter up his then-girlfriend Shiv's ice king father Logan with a very pricey Patek Philippe watch. "It's incredibly accurate. Every time you look at it, it tells you exactly how rich you are," Tom tells Logan. While the social climber breaks the bank for this gesture of sycophancy, his heart's in the right place. However, the present shows a serious lack of understanding of this particular gift receiver. If it isn't abundantly clear, billionaire Logan Roy can't be bought.
Mocking Tom's little gift-giving speech, Logan says, "That's very funny. Did you rehearse that?" Without so much as a nod of approval, the bullish patriarch gives away the mighty expensive watch to the family present at the Roys' makeshift softball stadium. This exchange is to make up for Roman's filthy million-dollar home run tease with the family's young son. It's impossible to rewatch this interaction without cringing. Better luck next time, Tom.
6. Kendall's iconic "L to the OG" rap
If there ever was a golden present for the audience, this is it. To commemorate 50 years of big daddy Logan running Waystar Royco, Kendall bestows the black tie event with an iconic performance of "L to the OG", a bonkers, original rap written by Successioncomposer Nicholas Britell. Kendall's interpretation of a "tribute" to his dad involves perfect lyrics like: “Bro, don’t get it twisted, I’ve been through hell. But since I stan Dad, I’m alive and well.” Watching Kendall strip his tuxedo jacket to reveal a custom Logan-themed jersey, while encouraging Waystar board members, major shareholders, and the biggest players in fictional American politics to “kiss the ring,” makes for a hilarious moment in television.
Unsurprisingly, Logan is not amused, especially when Kendall flings a baseball cap on his father's head. In our eyes, babygirl Ken gets a 10 on 10 for this over-the-top gesture from Season 2, even though Logan absolutely hatesit.
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5. Stewy's big, beautiful Trojan horse
For Kendall, from his BFF. Credit: David Russell / HBO In the second episode of Season 3, all hell breaks loose after Kendall's explosive press conference — the first time Kendall is isolated from the family. After publicly revolting against his father in dramatic King Learfashion, the devastated heir is hiding out in his ex-wife Rava’s (Natalie Gold) apartment when an ominous gift arrives in the post: a Trojan horse from his investor and college buddy Stewy (Arian Moayed).
Born in Greek mythology, the wooden horse has become symbolic of rebellion and stealth overthrows of power — the victorious ploy from the Trojan War saw the Greek army covertly gain access to the city through a gifted large wooden horse. Stressed out in his “hidey-hole”, Kendall struggles to find people he can trust and Stewy’s conflicting present only pushes him further off-kilter. To mess with an already broken babygirl is a sin like no other.
4. Shiv's poisonous scorpion from Tom
Yeah, this did not land. Credit: David Russell / HBO No relationship is sacred in Succession,and Tom and Shiv’s volatile marriage is testament to that. In Season 4, episode 7, the world's most vindictive will-they, won’t-they duo finally get together, alas only momentarily. To mark the morning after, Tom (or "Father Sexmus" as he cheekily calls himself), brings Shiv a curated tray of breakfast, fresh polling papers, and a present, curiously wrapped in brown paper and a lush cream bow. Could it be jewelry? Maybe an engagement ring?
To everyone’s despair, the box encloses an acrylic resin paperweight boasting an entombed scorpion. When Shiv is understandably baffled, Tom insists the pre-party prezzie is a silly little joke, that the scorpion represents his wife and their poisonous relationship: “I love youbut you kill me and I kill you.” The disastrous sting of Tom's despicable gift is clever foreshadowing, as this lovey-dovey rendezvous is on the brink of crashing and burning.
3. The worst birthday card ever from Logan
“Cash out and fuck off." Credit: Macall B. Polay / HBO As Mashable's Elena Cavender writes,"Crying on your birthday is a common trope of disaffected womanhood." But surely, no one had it as bad as babygirl Kendall on his extravagant 40th birthday blowout. Throughout Season 3, Ken and Logan’s relationship struggles to the point of disappearing, and his connection with his siblings is awkward at best. Kendall's birthday bash in episode 7 is clear proof.
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Logan sends his favourite errand boy Romulus to the party with a cruel greeting card in hand; the words “Happy Birthday” are crossed out and “Cash out and fuck off” is scribbled in its place. Included within the card, a term sheet from Logan offering Kendall over $2 million to sell his share of the company. Few gifts can get worse than having your father wanting you gone from both his company and family while your smug little brother delivers the news at your birthday party.
2. Kendall’s kids' (maybe thankfully) missing present
Way too much birthday. Credit: Macall B. Polay / HBO The saga of sadness from Kendall's fiery 40 continues, and the episode is rightly titled "Too Much Birthday". Just when we think things can't possibly go more south for the most vulnerable Roy sibling, Kendall decides to make himself feel better by unwrapping the present that his oft-ignored kids apparently handmade for him. Unable to find it immediately, he goes on a rampage, toppling over a mound of very expensive gifts, in the hope of finding the blotchy wrapping of the one from his children.
When his girlfriend Naomi Pierce (Annabelle Dexter-Jones) interrupts the unraveling to give Ken the Rolex she bought him, the hungry-for-love birthday boy snaps at her, heartbroken that the lavish gift wasn't even inscribed. How dare she? Basically don't buy the Roys watches — it won't go down well. We never learn if Kendall finds the gift from his kids, but Reddit is convincedit never existed or that it possibly contained their dead pet rabbit's body. Gory. Maybe it's a good thing it was never found...
1. Matsson's endless creepy blood bricks
Stop. Sending. People. Your. Blood. Credit: Graeme Hunter / HBO In Season 4, episode 5, watching Shiv cozying up to GoJo CEO Lukas Matsson (Alexander Skarsgård) and teasing the idea of breaking the blood bond with her brothers was tense enough, but the Successionwriters throw an even feistier curveball. “I was seeing this girl and after we broke up, because of some things that we said when things were nice and intense, as sort of a nasty, uh, friendly joke about what I shouldn’t do, I sent her some of my blood,” Matsson admits to an aghast Shiv. “A half a litre frozen blood brick. As a joke, obviously,” he added.
To make things worse, the ex-lover in question was Ebba (Eili Harboe), GoJo's head of communications, and Mattson's particularly nasty form of harassment most definitely did not land as a "joke". Still, the entitled techie continued to send her bricks “again and again.” Without a doubt, this takes the cake as the absolute worst "present" on Succession(yet).
How to watch:Successionis now streaming on Max.
Topics HBO