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In a text, Trey Anthony's life was ripped out from under her.
Her fiancée of four years had just ended their relationship via the glowing screen of a smartphone. Anthony lay on the bathroom floor weeping with abandon, her 12-day old son crying nearby.
Like many people, Anthony's relationship afforded her a sense of identity and importance. She was proud of their power couple status. Anthony is the first Black woman in Canada to write and produce her own TV show, Da Kink in My Hair, on a major primetime Canadian network and is a successful lifestyle coach. Trey and her former partner were in the process of co-adopting her son. That text radically altered this plan.
Amid the grief, though, came a realization: While on the bathroom floor, she realized she had forgotten how to love herself and had instead put that responsibility on her partner.
For much of Anthony's upbringing, self-love wasn't something her family valued. The women in her life had to focus on survival. Her mom, who grew up in Jamaica, had Anthony at 17 and worked multiple jobs to support her three children as a single mother. Her maternal grandmother worked the night shift sweeping trains, leaving for work as Anthony went to bed.
But the myth of the hardworking, perpetually strong Black woman hobbles Black women because it causes them to ignore their fatigue and stress, Anthony says. This is exactly what happened to her. In the past, she tended to hide her struggles and work through both physical and mental pain. The breakup forced her to stop pretending everything was OK and open up to friends and family.
In her book, Black Girl in Love (with Herself), published in January, Anthony delves into her own journey to unlearn that damaging myth and encourages Black women to embrace self-care. As a part of this process, she urges Black women to take into account the unique challenges she says they face that might preclude self-care and self-love, like trauma passed down from one generation to the next. In the book, she candidly discusses how this cycle has played out in her life. In an interview with Mashable, she expands on this, bringing up the example of how, when she came out as queer, her mom and grandma temporarily stopped talking to her.
"For my mother, it was kind of like, 'how much more do you want to add to your plate? You're Black, you're female, and now you're queer?'" says Anthony. Her mother struggled for years to accept her daughter's identity, but time (and meeting Anthony's girlfriends) helped her eventually do that.
Therapy became a critical self-care tool to help Anthony deal with her mother and grandmother's lack of acceptance. Her mindset shifted. She realized she could be there for herself despite being estranged from her mother and grandmother, while also learning how to break unhealthy cycles in her family, like the damaging trope of the strong Black woman.
While Anthony says it's stigmatized in the Black community, in her book, she strongly encourages every Black woman to seek out a good therapist if they want to invest in their own well-being.
Therapy also introduced Anthony to another important tool in her self-care journey: Her therapist gifted her the book You Can Heal Your Lifeby Louise Hay.
"That book really became my bible," says Anthony, who gave it out to anyone she spoke to.
Although she worshipped self-help books she rarely came across advice she identified with as a Black woman. For example, when books command women to be assertive and speak up at work, she says they ignore the backlash Black women often face for doing just that.
This behavior can work well for white women, says Anthony, but Black women are usually perceived as "intimidating" or an "angry Black woman" by their bosses or colleagues.
"When Sheryl Sandberg said to 'lean in,' we can't lean in as much as white women because there's a different perception of Black women in the workplace," says Anthony.
Anthony is guilty of holding this noxious perception and admits to this fault in her book. She reminds herself to "give grace to other Black people and excuse them for having bad days."
By baring it all in this way, Anthony hopes her book will help Black women love themselves for everything they are while also giving them the courage to get up if they ever find themselves defeated and on the bathroom floor.
Similarly, it's through that vulnerability that Anthony's book inspires trust in all readers, no matter their identity.
"I believe when you write from a place of honesty and vulnerability, it will transcend race, sexuality, and class," she says. "People will find themselves in your truth."
SEE ALSO: Why you need to know what 'misogynoir' means right nowHere are three self-care lessons she thinks everyone, but especially Black women, can use to thrive.
1. Learn how to love yourself
Quiet that critical voice in your head that creeps in to tell you that you suck, says Anthony. She calls this voice "Critical Cathy." Although it may never fully disappear, you can lessen its power.
When Anthony's critical voice makes an appearance, she practices kindness toward herself. Recently, Anthony was rushing around to feed her baby and get her day going. Internally, she snapped at herself and thought "For god's sake Trey, get it together!"
She immediately stopped and said to herself, "You're doing a lot and so it's OK to not operate at 100 percent at all times."
Take a cue from Anthony by having a similar conversation with yourself and practicing self-compassion.
She also recommends telling yourself "We don't talk to [insert your name] in that way anymore." This can help transform your inner voice from a bully into a caring friend.
Loving yourself is a practice. It's not a destination that you reach and you're done, says Anthony in her book. It takes constant attempts to shut down that voice in your head that declares you aren't worthy and daily reminders on how to love yourself.
2. Set boundaries
Anthony says she's still working on establishing boundaries in her life, even when it makes other people unhappy.
"I'm a people pleaser by nature," she says.
Again, inner conversations can curb this habit. She'll coach herself by saying "It's not your responsibility to make everyone happy. You need to let that go."
As part of this process, you have to become comfortable with not saying yes to everything and relieve yourself of being the "nice one." By doing this, you prioritize your needs and wants instead of putting them on the back-burner for the sake of others.
In her book, Anthony suggests readers ask who in their lives they need to set boundaries with and what this will look like.
Sometimes these boundaries are financial. In one section of her book, Anthony speaks to the Black women whose families view as the one who "made it." Although financially freeing, this can come with some guilt.
"You feel guilty that your older sister works really hard at her nine-to-five-job but you make more money than she does... And because of this guilt, you feel a need to continue to look after grown-ass adults in your family!" Anthony writes in the book. "Yeah, I'm gonna tell some truth today, because, sis, this is what we're not going to do anymore!"
Anthony fell into this trap when she started making a nice income from her TV show. She paid for dinners out and down payments for houses for her family and friends. Eventually, Anthony realized she had to set boundaries because she felt that her loved ones only valued her for her money.
She started by saying no when a family member demanded Anthony give them $40,000 for a down payment on a house. They stopped talking to her for a while but Anthony's will to stop acting as her family's ATM strengthened. It also made her realize she couldn't always afford to give away money, even if she was doing better than most of her family.
"You have a right to spend your money the way you want to," writes Anthony.
3. Guard your time
Self-care demands that you have enough time for quality sleep, exercise, and quiet time to reflect, so block out time on your calendar to dedicate to yourself.
"That quiet time is really essential because when I'm feeling really exhausted or stressed it's because I haven't had that downtime," says Anthony.
You also have to know yourself and what works best for you. So if you immediately check your work email when you first wake up, consider buying an alarm clock instead of using your phone as an alarm. In doing so, you'll avoid the impulse to get sucked into work before you've even fully woken up.
Recently, Anthony blocked out Fridays to devote to herself because she realized she didn't have one day alone anymore.
While you might not be able to block a full day for self-care, try your best to make room to take care of yourself. It's especially important in a culture that encourages us to add more and more to our already overfilled schedules.
You also have to learn to stand up to other people to honor your "me" time. It can be as simple as saying "I'm really sorry but I can't do that. I'm making self-care a priority," when someone asks you to commit to something that would overextend you.
While this might feel awkward or self-indulgent at first, Anthony wants you to make self-care a priority. And for her part, while she can't always be in self-care mode, she tries her best to practice what she preaches.
"I'm not going to be writing a book on self-care... and then do things that don't contribute to my wellbeing," says Anthony.
UPDATE: March 2, 2021, 9:28 a.m. EST The piece has been updated to remove identifying information.
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Topics Health Social Good Self-Care