What is subway sex duo caught on videothe Bachelor Mansion if not a hopeless place?
Don't ask me for the details on bending space and time, but I know for certain in my heart that Calvin Harris and Rihanna's "We Found Love" was written from Harris' experience vying for the heart of JoJo Fletcher.
But it doesn't matter that the specific physical form we know now as Calvin Harris (a stage name selected because it's "racially ambiguous") was never in the running. Some ex-football player with a famous brother ultimately got the final rose, but Calvin Harisses everywhere won. Because aren't they all just basically Calvin Harris?
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This season was a particularly bleak as sensitive (read: emotionally volatile) bros battled for the heart of JoJo Fletcher. One by one, she got rid of every dude that doesn't look like Calvin Harris, ultimately deciding that Jordan Rodgers was the finest beige specimen void of body fat at her disposal.
Just look at him.
Below is a shirtless selfie posted by DJ Calvin Harris.
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Just like contestants on The Bachelorette, he also allows professional photographers to photograph him shirtless.
This is Calvin Harris.
Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable This is a Bachelorettecontestant.
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Calvin Harris has a lot of feelings.
But there's more to Harris than abs, though he provides plenty of workout Snapchats, should that be of interest. His ill-fated relationship with one Ms. Taylor Swift -- a.k.a. Nils Sjoberg -- brought his celebrity profile into the forefront.
Calvin Harris songs -- the chart toppers, anyway -- are EDM valentines promising only potential, and never anything more. They're fits of passion bursting through the dance floor, announcing the ultimate Bachelorfranchise non-committal catch-phrase, "I think I'm falling in love with you."
Through female surrogates like Rihanna and Ellie Goulding, he summarizes pretty much every conversation that has ever transpired on the franchise, "How deep is your love? Is it like the ocean? What devotion?"
That's what made Talvin a true Bachelorcouple -- their love was doomed, like most reality TV romances -- but, publicly anyway, they championed it as a love that healed the wounds from a long list of ex-lovers.
When things fell apart, Harris wasn't afraid to process his feelings in public and express discontent at how his narrative was spun -- Taylor Swift was the star and producer of their love.
Clubbin'.
But onto more important things, like do all these men seem like they would have a good time at a nightclub?
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Yes, yes they do.
Somewhat ironically, Wells Adams, one of the least Calvin Harissy dudes in the franchise's history, is a DJ.
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Some weird lion thing.
The protective lion in Taylor Swift's "Wildest Things" video represented Calvin Harris.
Chase McNary, a favorite to continue his search for love on the next season of The Bachelor, is really obsessed with lions, as he has made clear with a tattoo and countless Instagrams.
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Dude gets pissed.
Harris truly has a kindred spirit in Chad Johnson, the real winner of the season. They are two men who let their anger get the best of them, who go after their fellow bros, or whoever else is pissing them off.
Via GiphyHarris' tweet storms are his version of taping confessionals -- a glorious emotional avalanche.
Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable Boats are cool, though.
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And now that Chad has been booted off Bachelor in Paradiseafter just one episode, there's room for a dude like Calvin Harris. We know this because he is just like every other dude who has been graced the franchise.
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But if the real Calvin Harris is too busy, no worries -- dudes like him will be winning competitions like this until the end of time, as they should. This is what we came here for.