Hold onto your six-foot,aztec sex video perfectly smooth, white, crack-less bottoms.
There are just 9 days left in Fall Guys: Ultimate KnockoutSeason 1. That's just a little over a week for players to rack up as many Crowns and Kudos as they can on their way to Fame Level 40. When Season 2 kicks off Oct. 5, rewards will disappear, some players will fall behind the paywall, and nothing will ever be the same.
So to honor two months with this delightfully dumb battle royale, we've reflected on our Fall Guys journeys thus far — What will we remember? What will we miss? What did it all mean? — and formulated the following analyses.
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Listed in no particular order (but clumped by type of challenge), here's what each of your favorite Fall Guys Season 1 levels say about you.
1. Dizzy Heights (aka "Dante's 7 Circles of Conveyor Belts")
What it is: This is the one where you navigate a circular conveyor belts for what feels like forever, yeet yourself past a bunch of cannons, and then get on an even bigger conveyor belt with balls landing on top of it. Then you run up a ramp and qualify. Theoretically.
What it says about you:You like to go with the flow. Weaving your way through that sea of conveyor belts in pursuit of victory is a metaphor for your life. You're on a journey, letting it take you where it needs. Life is those conveyor belts, man. You'll get hit with balls, sure. But you'll keep getting up. Fighting the good fight. Spinning around again. You know, dude? Yeeeah.
2. Hit Parade (aka "Yeah, that one. Again.")
What it is: Walk on beams, maybe fall through the bottom, push through like 10 revolving doors, and then wait for the gigantic gate to open, etc. Everyone knows this sucker.
What it says about you:You're happy to work hard, but you want a plan for achieving success. Big challenges can overwhelm you, so you're always trying to break them up into smaller pieces you feel more ready to tackle. In Fall Guys and in life, you're just putting one foot in front of the other.
3. See Saw (aka "Weight distribution, but with strangers")
Achieving your goals isn't everything, but the ease with which you find the motivation to attempt seemingly impossible tasks is what makes you special. Credit: devolver digital What it is:Pretty self-explanatory, "See Saw" is the one where you traverse a bunch of see saws while struggling to fathom how other plays can possibly understand physics this badly.
What it says about you:You have drive. Achieving your goals isn't everything, but the ease with which you find the motivation to attempt seemingly impossible tasks is what makes you special. Sure, these morons don't know how to evenly distribute themselves on a flat surface and you've been stuck on the "wrong" side for 20 seconds. But you'll keep going. It's what you do.
4. Fruit Chute (aka "Everything changed when the produce attacked")
What it is: This one is like trying to check out at the grocery store — but instead of taking part in a polite transaction, you get on top of the conveyor belt and ask the clerk to throw food at you. And then uh...if the clerk does manage to hit you, you fall to your death.
What it says about you:You're kind of a weirdo, and we mean that in the best possible way. You see the humor in life. For all that's good and all that's bad, you know there's a nugget of laughter and joy to be had. (That rhymed!) Shine on, you strange lil' gremlin.
5. Door Dash (aka "That went great, and then terrible.")
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What it is: Ah "Door Dash," you fickle mistress. This is the one where you and a few dozen other Fall Guys try doors — some real and some not — and eventually cascade toward the finish line like a waterfall of marshmallow and desperation. More likely than not, someone will be pushing a fragment of door they brought along as a souvenir.
What it says about you:You're a keen observer. In this rat race we call life"Door Dash," you're happy to be part of the group...but are more inclined toward experiencing situations from a distance. Perspective is huge for you. Just make sure to turn that POV inward when necessary.
6. Gate Crash (aka "The one with the slip-n-slide at the end.")
What it is: "Gate Crash" is basically waiting for the elevator, gamified. The doors open, you sprint through, you wait for another door to open, etc. The fun bit comes at the end when you get to use what is essentially a gigantic, slime slip-n-slide to reach the finish line.
What it says about you:You're realistic. Of course, you're always hoping for the best and dreaming of a bigger and bright future. But you also understand life for what it is: A carefully mapped out blueprint for fulfillment and happiness, regularly dipped in kerosene and set alight by chaos. You are happy to wait for life's doors to open. In the end, though, you know it'll come down to luck.
7. Slime Climb (aka "Ohgodohgodohgodohgod...")
What it is: In this ascent out of Hell, players race through a bunch of trickily timed obstacles as the slime levels rise all around them. It's yeet or be yeeted as barriers try to push you off of platforms and other players simply refuse to get out of the way.
What it says about you:You are a person of purpose and urgency. You know only people with the ambition and discipline to pursue their goals tenaciously will succeed. Go. Fight. Win.
8. Tip Toe (aka "Hang back, but not too much.")
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What it is: There are a whole bunch of tiles and only a very specific path that can take you toward the finish. Follow everyone else, sacrifice strangers if you need, and remember to dive at the end.
What it says about you:You are a master manipulator. We don't know how you do it. Frankly, it's terrifying. Still, we have to commend your power over people and situations. They bend to your will, do your bidding, metaphorically grease the wheels for your triumph. Please don't hurt us.
9. The Whirlygig (aka "Windshield Wipers: The Game")
What it is: Jump over a whole bunch spinning blades, try not to get yeeted by any of the gigantic, pink windmills, and then go straight up the right side of that ramp. Or left. It depends on the update.
What it says about you:You are straight vibing. The past few months have been super hard, but something about this whole 2020 thing is really starting to click for you. You're grooving, getting through, and feeling the fantasy. Good for you, angel.
10. Jump Club (aka "How did I mess this up so badly?")
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What it is: "Jump Club" is what I imagine playing jump rope atop a vinyl record might look like. Players try to survive until they are pushed off the circular platform.
What it says about you:You don't need much. Just a few friends, a simple activity, and the time to enjoy them both. Jumping along, enjoying your new hot dog head, imagining a world with no slime.
12. Block Party (aka "What did I EVER do to you?")
What it is: First, everyone lines up on a platform. Second, gigantic obstacles come flying at you as you desperately fight to avoid them. Third, you do everything in your power to push people off.
What it says about you:You are a messy bitch who loves drama.
13. Perfect Match (aka "Follow the leader(s)")
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What it is: A classic card-matching game. With fruit. And falling.
What it says about you:You're easy to get along with. You don't need to be the loudest to be heard. You don't need to be the most aggressive to be seen. You don't need to witness others struggling to appreciate your own triumph. Everyone can win with you, and that's nice.
11. Roll Out (aka "The Rolling Cylinder of Death")
What it is: You know logrolling, right? So this is like that except the log is full of holes and your logrolling "teammates" are trying to make you disappear into one of them.
What it says about you:There are two ways to "Roll Out." You can stay safe, chilling on the sides, just hopping between two platforms until others get eliminated — or you can sprint up and down the whole platform, pushing, shoving, and otherwise acting as an agent of chaos. Perhaps you play one way more than the other. But you for sure do both. You're basically the Gemini of Fall Guys.
14. Tail Tag (aka "GET. BACK. HERE.")
What it is: Some people start the round with tails. Others don't. You need one by the end.
What it says about you:Maybe you're hyper-competitive, or just a romantic. Either way, you live for the chase. You enjoy nothing more than the sense your whole fate could change at any second. You are in the moment, through and through. What's happening in the here? The now? Andwhereis that tail? The answer to life's mysteries is in that tail!
15. Egg Scramble (aka "Everyone do crimes.")
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What it is: Players are broken into teams by color. There's a "nest" of eggs in the middle. You want your team to have as many as possible by the end. Gold eggs count extra.
What it says about you:You're loyal. Everyone knows that "Egg Scramble" sucks. Even you, a person who loves "Egg Scramble," thinks "Yeah, 'Egg Scramble' does suck sometimes." But you always stick this round out. You grab, steal, and otherwise obtain eggs for your team because it's the right thing to do. Good on you, buddy.
16. Jinxed (aka "The Germ Transmission Simulator")
What it is: Two teams: some jinxed and some not. When a jinxed players grabs a non-jinxed player, that player gets jinxed too. Last team with a normie wins.
What it says about you:You're easy to get to know. The alarm sounds and you're hugging people.
17. Hoopsie Daisy (aka "Go fall off stuff and report back.")
What it is: Hoops randomly appear everywhere. Broken into teams, everybody tries to jump through them. Team with the fewest hoops loses. Gold hoops count extra.
What it says about you:You're independent. You work well in a group, but often find that you're more productive if allowed some solitude. Also, you're not afraid of heights. In video games anyway.
18. Fall Ball (aka "Soccer, but it sucks.")
You're a "work harder, not smarter" kind of person. Credit: devolver digital What it is:Like soccer, but with two balls that are the size of cars and could not be more profoundly unpleasant to push if they actively tried.
What it says about you:You're a "work harder, not smarter" kind of person. You know there would be simpler, more effective solutions to your problems if you'd just stop and think about them. But in the moment, when a task confronts you, you can't help but headbutt it until it goes away. Maybe consider a stress ball. Or yoga.
19. Team Tail Tag (aka "Tail Tag, but worse.")
What it is:Tail tag, but with teams.
What it says about you:You're methodical. Sprinting through one of Fall Guys' best arenas, you are able to keep your eye on the prize without forgetting to be strategic. Long gone are the days of accidentally stealing your own teammates' tail. You're in the zone now. Good luck, everyone else.
20. Rock 'N' Roll (aka "They get past 70% and you're screwed.")
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What it is: You push your ball until it reaches the finish line. If it's not going well, you run ahead to push other teams' balls away from the finish line.
What it says about you:You're all about family. Coming together brings you great joy, and caring for your family's collective needs grounds you. It's a fulfilling and warm life. That said, you are certainly willing to mess with someone else's family if yours is at risk. But like... they get past 70 percent and it is absolutely over. Then there's nothing you can do.
21. Hoarders (aka "The one with the giant volleyballs")
What it is: More gigantic balls. You want your team to have more than anyone else. Push.
What it says about you:You played high school volleyball or something. There's no other reason to like this. Truly, it sucks. It feels bad, it's not fun, I hate it. Sorry.
22. Jump Showdown (aka "Jump Club, but easier to mess up")
What it is: It's the jump roping on a vinyl record thing again, but now the floor falls out and a second beam can yeet you into oblivion. Last one standing gets a crown.
What it says about you:You like a mystery. Everyone knows "Jump Showdown" is a tricky way to win a crown. Yes, the actual task is not that difficult — but players do seem to occasionally get yeeted without cause. Be careful with the answers you seek. Danger lurks, traveler.
23. Hex-A-Gone (aka "Waste as much time as possible")
You have a lust for life, a yearning to experience joy that surpasses all fear. Credit: devolver digital What it is: Jump on disappearing hexagonal platforms in an effort to put off the inevitable. Last one to fall gets a crown, baby.
What it says about you:You have a lust for life, a yearning to experience joy that surpasses all fear. You jump in the sunshine, perfectly aware the world could fall out from underneath you at anytime. But still, you are happy. Happy to live another minute. Another hour. Another tile.
24. Royal Fumble (aka "Tail Tag with one tail")
What it is: Get that tail, and get that crown.
What it says about you: It's not so much that you like to win, as it is you like other people losing. And hey, that's fine. Like maybe do some soul searching about what that says about you as a person? But we get it. Totally. It's nice to have the thing other people want. They feel bad and you don't.
25. Fall Mountain (aka "Hope you started in the first row")
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What it is: Race through a slowly inclining obstacle course and snag that crown. Any obstacle could be make or break. Don't. Mess. This. Up.
What it says about you:You have "it." You know, that indescribable quality of being a winner. "It." We don't know you got "it," and there's a good chance you don't know either. But it's been with you your whole life. Keep winning, champion. It's who you are.
Topics Gaming