Our planet is garter belt sex videosunder attack from a deadly enemy the size of midichlorians. Unfortunately, we haven't yet discovered any weaknesses in its tiny thermal exhaust ports that could let us blow this thing and, um, leave home.
Our only hope, right now, is if our memes — spreading the word about handwashing and social distancing in a funny, memorable, utterly shareable way — can go faster than the virus. And that means it's time to bring out the big guns, because only one movie franchise's memes can travel at point five past light speed.
Star Wars fans, thankfully, are stepping up and fulfilling their destiny. Here's a selection of what they've come up with. Hopefully, these will help your younglings learn to protect the Obi-Wans and Yodas in their lives by staying away from them.
1. Be like Threepio. Er, Creepio.
The Auralnauts, makers of the sidesplittingly overdubbed dance music version of the Skywalker saga known as Jedi Party, are back. This time, they've taken 1970s public health films starring C-3PO and R2-D2, and overdubbed the voice of Creepio rapping about COVID-19 and the vital importance of handwashing.
In Jedi Party, Creepio is revealed to be secretly manipulating the entire galaxy, so it's entirely in character that he takes his PSA way too far at the end.
2. Be like Kylo.
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This one is great, except we're pretty sure Kylo and Rey weren't talking on Skype. They use ForceTime.
3. Be like the Mandalorian. (Don't be like Baby Yoda.)
Luckily, Star Wars has no shortage of good guys who are socially distant, too. The Mandalorian, who wouldn't even remove his helmet except to non-infectious droids, probably wins the coronavirus healthy practice sweepstakes.
The less said about Baby Yoda's practices, the better. After all, the kid broke quarantine on Tatooine, went around the galaxy eating random food without the slightest thought of disinfectant, and kept wanting to touch his baby daddy.
Via Giphy4. Be like Vader — when he kept his distance.
Lord Vader may have done exactly the wrong thing when he choked Captain Antilles by touching him at the beginning of A New Hope. (Hey, at least he was wearing gloves, which we hope he sanitized afterwards.)
But Vader quickly learns the correct coronavirus practice, and by the time of Empire Strikes Back, he's Force choking Admiral Ozzel from home via Zoom.
5. Be like Yoda.
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The swamp planet of Dagobah, with only one resident that we know about, would seem to be the perfect place to do your social distancing. Let's hope our current crisis doesn't take the two decades that Yoda spent in hiding.
6. Be like Luke.
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So socially distant, he's not even there. It was all a surprise Zoom party for Kylo!
7. Be like General Grievous.
For the truly paranoid prequel lover, only one Star Wars character reference will do when it comes to COVID-19. Step forward (or rather, stay six feet away, socially distanced by his four lightsabers) Separatist leader General Grievous.
This meme isn't entirely accurate — Grievous is part organic, more cyborg than robot. And given that constant coughing, his lungs may be more at risk than any other characters' lungs. But hey, at least he covers his mouth! We just hope that cyborg arm gets sanitized regularly.