There is порнография лошадейonly one possible conclusion to draw from Hummer's official announcement that its next iteration will be as an electric SUV: There are finally enough badass electric cars out there for our country's national treasure, the Fast & Furiousfilm franchise, to go electric.
The drag racers and drifters of the once earnest, now over-the-top film series are better known for putting the pedal to the metal in old school American muscle. Of course, no members of the Fastgang are going to turn down a light and bullet-fast Japanese ride, either. And fine, they'll take a Ferrari or a BMW if they must.
In the year of our road lord 2020, almost all of these categories have something to offer in the EV category that might pique the interest of people who don't just drive cars, but embodythem.
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To demonstrate that electricity, not gas, should fuel the next Fastmovie, here are the spiritual matches for beloved (and some deceased) Fast & Furiouscharacters with their EVs.
Some spoilers for the Fast & Furiousfranchise below.
Brian O'Conner/Paul Walker is: the original Tesla Roadster
Fast and classic. Credit: rune hellestad/Corbis via Getty Images Gone but not forgotten, this is a mashup of sexy, speedy, O.G. Walker's O'Conner was the spark that lit the fire on the Fastseries, just as the Tesla Roadster began the legacy that would be the Tesla S3XY line.
The one that started it all... Credit: Jean-Marc ZAORSKI/Gamma-Rapho via Getty Images Sadly, the original Roadster was discontinued in 2012. And Walker made his final Fastappearance in Furious 7after his death in 2013. Though who knows just who and what could make a comeback: In 2017, Tesla announced that a new version of its Roadster would arrive in 2020. Some of Walker's scenes in Furious 7 were CGI'd after his death. Could more Brian cameos come in the future?
Dominic Toretto/Vin Diesel is: the Ford Mustang Mach-E
FAMILY. Credit: Maurizio Gambarini/picture alliance via Getty Images Not only does Dom love to drive an American muscle car, he is the human embodiment of one. That's why the only car we could possibly give him is the Ford Mustang Mach-E.
The only choice. Credit: Ford A bonus for an even better fit? Dom has always been all about family. And since he became a dad in the Fate of the Furious, the needs of his family have grown. Good thing the electric Mustang is an SUV!
Letty/Michelle Rodriguez is: the Tesla Cybertruck
Letty 4 Evr. Credit: Robert Kamau/GC Images Between amnesia, car wrecks, and plane battles, hoo boy does Letty get put through the ringer. But one thing is certain about the original female member of the crew: Letty is a certified badass.
Badass truck, badass gal. Credit: FREDERIC J. BROWN/AFP via Getty Images Both of those characteristics more or less track with Tesla's Cybertruck, a hulking piece of in your face futurism ready to go beast mode. That doesn't mean it's not vulnerable: Musk famously cracked the window of the truck while trying to demonstrate its durability. You live, you learn, you emerge STRONGER!
Mia Toretto/Jordana Brewster is: the Mini Cooper SE
The non-Bechdel Test-friendly Fastfilms often default to damsel-in-distress roles for Mia. But she also freakin' anchors the family, and busts some moves on the road when she needs to help out with, say, busting her brother out of a prisoner convoy.
I hope Mia is living a good life somewhere with a Mini Cooper. Credit: Victor Chavez/WireImage Like Mia, Mini Cooper's upcoming EV might seem just cute, but its impressive specs as an urban car, not to mention its absolutely sick design, make it poised for a takeover.
A fly ride. Credit: BMW Group Don't you dare underestimate Mia, or a Mini.
Roman Pearce/Tyrese Gibson is: Faraday Future's FF91
A would-be lead character relegated to the sidelines? Check. Flashy, but so un-functional that it's usually MIA? Check.
Too extra or just extra enough? Credit: Slaven Vlasic/Getty Images After playing the lead opposite Paul Walker in 2 Fast 2 Furious, in future films Tyrese Gibson's Roman is mostly relegated to supporting comedic relief, totaling a shittier car only to get a better one, and then being not that essential.
The FF91 is ready to hit the road... eventually. Credit: Faraday future Formerly rising EV-star Faraday Future was once seen as a Tesla-killer. But its ambitions and bad investments have put it years behind. Now, Faraday is hoping the FF91's 11 screens and spa chairs are enough to get it back on track. But don't get your hopes up: a flashy competition with the leading man didn't end up so well for Tyrese.
Han Seoul-Oh/Sung Kang is: the Porsche Taycan 4S
Smooooth operator. Credit: Jason LaVeris/FilmMagic The only EV cool enough for Han, R.I.P., is of course the Porsche Taycan. Han is the crew's smooth operator, an understated but crucial member on complicated missions.
Ride or die. Credit: porsche In Tokyo Drift, he also helps pass the baton on to a new generation of racers. The Taycan, too, is a bridge between classic cool and the EV future.
Gisele Yashar/Gal Gadot is: the Tesla Model 3
She drifts, she drives, what can't she do? Credit: Frank Trapper/Corbis via Getty Images We weren't so sure about Gisele or the Model 3 at first, but both proved themselves to be dominating power players over the course of their lives. Gisele started as a henchman for the villain of Fast & Furious,but switched her allegiances by the end of the film.
Dominant. Credit: Xinhua News Agency/Getty Images The Tesla Model 3 also had a rocky start, with embarrassing delay after delay before it made its way to the public. But now that it's on the roads, it's one of the most solid, but still sexy choices out their for an EV — just like Gisele's drifting skills. The Model 3 now dominates the EV market; if only Gisele had had as happy an ending.
Tej Parker/Ludacris is: the Byton M-Byte
LUDA!!! Credit: ANGELA WEISS/AFP via Getty Images Ludacris not only provides some of the franchise's best tunes, his character, Tej Parker, is the crew's resident hacker (gotta have one!). That makes Byton's M-Byte a perfect fit.
Is it more car than screen, or screen than car? Hard to say. Credit: Andrej Sokolow/picture alliance via Getty Images With its 48-inch screen complete with an A.I. assistant, this is one of the most technologically tricked out cars out there. Not to mention, it's alllll about multi-media. Double threat, just like Luda? We think so.
Deckard Shaw/Jason Statham is: the Jaguar I-Pace
Why yes, that's Jason Statham. Credit: Keith Mayhew/SOPA Images/LightRocket via Getty Images A car-man on screen and off, Brit Jason Statham and his antihero character Deckard Shaw have a clear EV match.
I'm too sexy for my car. Credit: Aaron Chown/PA Images via Getty Images Normally, Shaw/Statham wouldn't stan an SUV. But the Jaguar's first EV, the I-Pace, is just sexy enough (even as an SUV) to embody the villain-turned-hero Shaw. Slinky and seductive, we can't wait to see these two pair up.
Luke Hobbs/Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson is: GMC's new EV Hummer
Considering The Rock drove this armored military monstrosity in other films, and is, well, The Rock, there was never any choice but the reborn Hummer.
This is all we know about the Hummer... for now. Credit: GMC Crush. It. All.
Pound it. Credit: Visual China Group via Getty Ima Topics Electric Vehicles