Welcome back to the Marvel Crush-o-matic Universe.
When photos from Eternalsfirst emerged,?? ?? ??? the consensus among fans was clear: These extra super superheroes are extra super hot.Like center of the sun, energy of all the Infinity Stones, Captain America immediately after getting Super-Soldier Serum-ed hot. But could the movie possibly deliver the crush-worthy characters needed to back up all that attractiveness? Answer: You bet!
Ranked from least to most swoon-worthy, here are 13 of your Eternals crushes ranked. Warning: Spoilers ahead.
13. Arishem
Beefcake Iron Giant Credit: Disney/Marvel Studios Lusting after a literal killer of planets is understandable — but let’s not mistake understandable for acceptable. Having a crush on Eternals’ mass-murdering antagonist is abhorrent, and your thirst crimeswill be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. That said, I’m not going to lie to you and say I don’t get it. Arishem is, on some incomprehensibly primal level, sexy. Maybe it’s the total power inherent to being a Celestial. You know, the raw impressiveness of a presence capable of willing actual superheroes into and out of existence? Or maybe it’s the way Arishem kind of looks like a beefcake Iron Giant. Like, who…didn’t have a crush on the Iron Giant, even when he wasn’t cosmically jacked? Regardless of the reasoning, a crush on this Eternals’ character is unusual…and a wee bit concerning. But you do you, pal. — Alison Foreman, Entertainment Reporter
12. Kro the Deviant
OK, so this Deviant isn't Kro...but that crush has to be transferrable, right? Credit: Disney/Marvel Studios Kro the Deviant is low on this list because he started out in this movie as a drippy cosmic dinosaur with tentacles, then ended it as a bipedal cosmic humanoid with tentacles. Some people are just into that. But Kro is marginally more crushable to the general population because he’s played by the inimitable Bill Skårsgard, A.K.A. the man who can make the devil hot, gets people thirsty for Pennywise the clown, and otherwise make gross, weird villains sexy. Also, in terms of the ethical implications of the Eternal/Deviant war, he’s right. Arishem used his people, just as he used the Eternals to prepare planet Earth for its role as a Celestial war egg. And even though Kro killed a few of our favorite characters, the Eternals committed genocide against his people for millennia. Someone out there will stan a rightfully vengeful Deviant king. — Alexis Nedd, Senior Entertainment Reporter
11. Ikaris
We love eyes that can both sparkle and maim. Credit: Disney/Marvel Studios Richard Madden has had us swooning across several fantasy landscapes, whether he’s the noble Robb Stark in Game of Thrones, the charming prince of 2015’s resplendent live-action Cinderella, or the dashing but deceitful John Reid in the surreal Elton John musical/biopic Rocketman. In Eternals, he’s introduced as a Superman-like hunk, who can fly, rescue his lady-love in distress, and has a gaze that is literally hot — laser hot. Plus, Ikaris and Sersi not only score a very rare MCU make-out scene but also the first-ever onscreen sex scene in the franchise! Ultimately though, all that charm, superb hair, and sex appeal don’t outweigh Ikaris’s raging hard-on for wiping out all mankind. Dealbreaker! — Kristy Puchko, Deputy Entertainment Editor
10. Druig
We get it, Makkari. We really, *really* get it. Credit: Disney/Marvel Studios Let’s all say a big thank youto Marvel Entertainment for keeping the dark-haired-sad-boy-with-superpowers industrial complex churning for at least one more movie. Even though his hair situation might be the worst MCU haircut since Natasha went undercover as a sixty-year-old woman, Druig has that spooky panache that’s hard to resist. His devotion to his “beautiful Makkari” simmered for millennia before anyone else even knew they had a thing going on. That is catnip for anyone who’s into slow-burn romances...and men who go into hiding for centuries after founding a colony of Mesoamerican refugees in the Amazon rainforest. Also, Irish accents are hot. — A.N.
9. Eros
In lieu of a photo of Eros, please enjoy this photo of Harry Styles -- which, let's be honest, is just as good. Credit: Dia Dipasupil/Getty Images Introducing Marvel’s extremely attractive answer to the age-old dating question “Does he have a brother?” Admittedly, Eros’ brief appearance in Eternals’ post-credits scene doesn’t give us a lot to go on. Still, the intrigue of Thanos’ hot brother combined with the Harry Styles-ness of it all makes for one of the more flush-inducing moments in the movie. Maybe the promise of Eternals'Eros will turn out to be better than the Eros we get in the long run. But the hero — also known as Starfox — gets a hell of an intro and a seriously great costume. I mean, it’s Harry Styles in the MCU. What’s not to absolutely lose your shit over? — A.F.
8. Ajak
Ajak's unstoppably regal entrances are reason enough to call her crush-worthy. Credit: Disney/Marvel Studios Salma Hayek's Ajak doesn’t get nearly enough screen time. So you’re forgiven if you missed falling head over heels for her in your first Eternals viewing. With the presence of a pop star and the regal costuming to match, the late great Eternals leader was a kind of Mother Monster to this new batch of superheroes. She was capable of healing them both physically and emotionally, acting as a compass to their tremendous force right until her bitter end. Obviously, pour one out, since she died trying to save humanity. Then give a cheer to her looking flawless while doing it. Seriously, even in a cowboy hat, Ajak is radiant. — A.F.
7. Makkari
Quick getting to places -- even your heart! Credit: Disney/Marvel Studios Played by Lauren Ridloff, Makkari is beautiful with an enchanting smile that promises mischief. In the film, Ridloff sparks incredible chemistry with Barry Keoghan’s Druig, so much so that I might have been wishing the story was centered on their potential romance. Yet, the real rush of this MCU crush comes from imagining Makkari’s life offscreen. When the Eternals scattered to the winds, she used her super-speed to travel around the world, acquiring curious trinkets. Forget Superman or Spider-man flying or swinging around with their lovers. We want Makkari’s strong arms to lift us up and whisk us off on a romantic getaway, complete with some unconventional antiquing. — K.P.
6. Thena
Utterly powerless to this magnetic gaze. Credit: Disney/Marvel Studios I’ll admit, any character played by an earthbound-angel like Angelina Jolie was going to have an advantage in the crush rankings. However, Thena more than earns her spot with her mysterious moodiness and magnetic presence. Even when the multiverse is cracking her psyche in half, Thena channels an unwavering passion for world-saving and ass-kicking that’s simply intoxicating. From her fearless fighting style to her love for her fellow Eternals (especially Gilgamesh), she’s a swoon-worthy hero with emotional depths that make her all the more captivating. Sure, your beloved might try to murder you at a moment’s notice. But some of the best people out there are worth fighting for...and with. — A.F.
5. Sersi
Great hero, great hair. Credit: Disney/Marvel Studios Sweet, caring Sersi is selfless and has a heart of gold. Were it not for her kindness and determination to save humanity, everyone on Earth would have died on the fractured remnants of a recently hatched Celestial egg. Even though she’s an actual beautiful goddess, Sersi is also humble enough to live among humans and do normal human stuff like teach middle school, go out to pubs, date Kit Harington, and take pictures of the artifacts, which she transmogrified with her hands to grant an ancient civilization the gift of iron, when they pop up thousands of years later. So down-to-earth! Seriously though, the other Eternals can be on the inaccessible side, which does make Sersi’s attempts at normalcy a huge plus for her on the crush-o-meter. — A.N.
4. Dane Whitman
Whaddup, King of the North? Credit: Disney/Marvel Studios If there’s anything literally centuries of fiction has taught us, it’s that being a mortal in love with someone who never dies is a bum deal. Dane Whitman doesn’t know his girlfriend Sersi is an Eternal (or married) when he dates her. But he earns a high spot on the crush list for being absurdlychill when he finds out she’s an Eternal. Seriously, his primary concerns at that moment are making sure Sersi’s over her ex and asking why she didn’t help with Thanos. That’s a boyfriend who focuses on whoas opposed to whatyou are, and focus is sexy as hell. In the post-credits stinger, we learn that Dane has a family connection to another line of powerful beings, which means that every smoldering skill Kit Harington learned as a doe-eyed, magic sword-wielding Hot Guy on Game of Throneshas prepared him well for his new role as a doe-eyed, magical sword-wielding Hot Guy in the MCU. En garde, Black Knight. En. Garde. — A.N.
3. Phastos
OK, we recognize this is not Phastos' hottest scene, but it is the scene we have a photograph of. So. Credit: Disney/Marvel Studios If there’s one thing the MCU does not have enough of, it’s dads. Not daddies, dads. In fact, with the exception of Ant-Man and Hawkeye, none of the living heroes in the MCU are fathers (RIP Tony. You will never be forgotten). Enter: Phastos, who is both a father to his son and a daddy to everyone else. Who among us can resist a strong, broad-shouldered man who knows his way around a changing station? A technological genius who gets up in the middle of the night to feed the baby? A calm, committed partner who’s also some kind of light-filled space golem forged for war? The only downside is he’s married. But his husband isa mortal, so don’t worry...we can wait. — A.N.
2. Kingo
That! Little! Smirk!! Credit: Disney/Marvel Studios When Kumail Nanjiani dropped that thirst trap ogled ‘round the world,we knew Kingo was going to be a super smoke show. Nanjiani’s been wooing us in rom-coms like The Love Birdsand The Big Sick, which was based on his real-life romance with wife/creative partner, Emily V. Gordon. In Eternals, the comedian was given the fitness regime that makes movie stars into Marvel gods. His buff physique fills out his super suit nicely. But the best bit is definitely when Nanjiani goes Bollywood in a rousing dance number. Okay, so Nanjiani is not much of a dancer. But neither is Paul Rudd! Their dancing is about the freedom to move and play the fool and win our hearts. Yet, there is one failing to Kingo’s presentation. After all that body-sculpting, we didn’t get a single shot in the movie of Nanjiani shirtless? Nearly every male Avenger got his muscle-showing moment, why not Kingo? — K.P.
1. Gilgamesh
King shit. Credit: Disney/Marvel Studios There’s plenty of romantic relationships on display in Eternals, ranging from old flames to unrequited love, scorching flirtations, and marital bliss. But only one couple showed devotion unflinchingly across the ages: Gilgamesh and Thena. She was suffering from Mahd Wy'ry that pitched her into violent outbursts, but he was always at her side. Strong of mind, body, and heart, he loved her, fought for her, and fed her. And he does so without being bothered by the kind of toxic masculinity that might make some men wince at wearing a ruffled apron to prepare dinner. With his Eternals family, he’s as warm and playful as his smile. On top of all that, the mighty Gilgamesh has the smoldering star power of Don Lee (also known as Ma Dong-seok), whom keen-eyed fans might remember as the zombie-pummeling hunk in Train to Busan. Brawny yet tender, Gilgamesh was not just a hero or an Eternal. He was as hot as a Celestial being birthed out of an active volcano. — K.P.
Eternalsis now in theaters.