The ???? ????? ???? ???????Star Wars universe is home to many things peculiar and awe-inspiring: Creatures born from imagination. Distant worlds of every possible climate. Magical powers binding the universe together and holding everything in equilibrium.
But we're not here to talk about that stuff. The culinary world of Star Wars deserves its bright shining moment.
Yes. We're ranking the weirdest Star Wars foods of the galaxy, pulling strictly from the feature films and leaving the TV shows and video games and books and comics and whatever else for some other time.
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Of course, we haven't actually tasted any of these dishes (the whole fictional universe thing kinda gets in the way of that), so we're judging based on how good we think each item would probably taste. From worst to best, this is where the fun begins. We've got 22 bizarre foods from space. Some delectable. Some vile. All fake. All ranked. Strap yourselves in.
22. Yoda Slop
Ya gotta start somewhere. And for us, that means going back to Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back for the wretched filth that Yoda's cooked up in his Dagobah hut. Now, we don't actually see whatever's in the pot, but in the clip above, Luke crouches to spoon some into a dish, and we hear the squishy sloshy sound of the slop hitting the bottom of the bowl. Considering Yoda's sludgy swamp of a home world, we're willing to bet that whatever it is, it's nasty.
21. Death Sticks
We're not sure if Death Sticks technically qualify as "food," but no one's out here saying they aren't. Seen in Episode II: Attack of the Clones, they're some kind of popular (and likely illegal) space drug, which may or may not be consumed. What little else we know about them comes from Wookieepedia (an e-library of sorts for both general Star Wars knowledge and obscure facts), which states, "Delivered inside luminescent sticks, they were a favorite among desperate addicts and thrill-seekers." A photo can also be found on the site.
While all signs point to Death Sticks being highly addictive, they're also low on this list for that very reason. Who knows what ghastly side effects these things have on the body and the mind? They're basically the crack of the galaxy. Say no to Death Sticks, kids!
20. Jawa Juice
Zooming right back in to Attack of the Clones, we head to Dex's Diner, an establishment owned by an old friend of Obi-Wan Kenobi. When Kenobi stops in to ask Dex about a mysterious finding, the robo-waitress android shouts, "You want a cup o' Jawa Juice?!" loud enough for the entire diner to hear.
Sadly, we don't actually get to see what this "Jawa Juice" looks like. We'll cite good ol' Wookieepedia again, which tells us the juice is "a beverage that originated on Tatooine and was made of bantha hides mashed with fermented grains." Ew.
19. Colorful Dangly Desert Meats
We journey now to Episode I: The Phantom Menace, the cinematic crimes of which have been tirelessly documented. Its culinary crimes, though, warrant further exploration.
Wandering through the cities of the desert planet Tatooine with his new friend Anakin Skywalker, Star Wars klutz and fandom punching bag Jar Jar Binks happens upon a market featuring rows of strung-up, multicolored meats. Fans know how he almost dies seconds later, but we don't care about that right now. We're focused on the dry, rubbery appearance of rainbow mystery meats dangling in the hot suns of a desert planet and why they would be appetizing to anybody, even a walking alien vacuum who will probably eat anything you put in front of him.
18. Jabba's Lil' Froggy Bites
Fucking gross.
17. Jedha Street Fare
There aren't many food moments to be found in the anthology films, but Rogue One does offer a glimpse into the world of Star Wars street fare in the Holy City of Jedha, where followers of the Force find refuge (for a while, at least) and munch on pan-fried tentacles that move as they're being cooked.
Jedha is not for the unadventurous flavor palate.
16. Maz's Rotisserie Meat Chunk
Our first sequel trilogy sighting swings in at number 16. Han Solo leads a new group of heroes to an old friend, Maz Kanata, in Episode VII: The Force Awakens. Inside Maz's castle is a glimpse of the galaxy — a slew of creatures and beings all living their lives day-by-day, just looking to hang out and grab a bite in an off-the-radar spot. The camera's journey around the scene is an homage to the original Star Wars cantina scene from 1977, not that you asked.
As the heroes enter the castle, look to the right to see a giant chunk of who-knows-what slowly rotating over an open flame. This mysterious rotisserie meat chunk gets the neurons firing more than it does the mouth watering, which is why it finds itself on the lower end of our list.
15. Wicket Cracker
Moving into more neutral territory, we rejoin Episode VI: Return of the Jedi, where we last saw Jabba the Hutt positively housing a jar of little froggy buddies. Here, we happen upon Princess Leia offering what may be the most important cracker in all of Star Wars to Wicket, a member of the Ewok species — a key ally in bringing down the evil Empire. This cracker is where that alliance started.
It's more impressive as a gesture of goodwill than it is a snack, but at least it's not a rubbery slab of alien mystery meat.
14. Maz's Castle Prickly Fruit
Thankfully, Maz Kanata's castle serves more than rotisserie meat chunks. You can also order the prickly fruit.
You can spot the fruit during a conversation between Maz, Han Solo, Rey, and Finn. Fruit normally wouldn't be quite this low on the list, but this fruit is lumpy and it's freaking us out a little bit. Not that fruit can't be lumpy. We know some fruits are lumpy. But for some reason this lumpy just doesn't look right. We also have to call attention to the questionable cleanliness of Kanata's establishment, which likely hasn't seen a health inspector in a thousand years (read: ever).
13. Star Wars Airline Food
Star Wars airline food! It's a thing! We first discover it in Attack of the Clones when Anakin Skywalker and Senator Padmé Amidala are on the run from assassins and forced to fly commercial.
During the flight, the two poke at whatever's in their bowls while R2-D2 brings over a bowl of his own, along with a brown, brick-looking object. What is it exactly? We need closeups of the food, George! We'll take the unknown mush with bread (?) over our own airline food. At least the Star Wars airline food might not cause diarrhea. *Ba-dum-tss
*12. Ahch-To Seafood Special
Luke Skywalker is old, jaded, and living on an island in Episode VIII: The Last Jedi. Food isn't easy to come by, unless you're a Jedi Master. As we take a walk around with Luke, we see how he's managed to spend so much time so far away from civilization. Dude literally pole vaults from cliffside to cliffside, takes a ridiculously long spear, and stabs it into the ocean to catch a humongous fish, which he then hauls back to his hut, a literal weight on his shoulders.
We unfortunately don't get to see the finished meal after it's cooked (please tell us it's cooked), so we can't rank it too high on our list.
11. Rey's Green Dinner Brick
In The Force Awakens, Rey eats a green brick-looking object that seems to be sprouting red flags (among other things) all over the place ... but ... we kinda wanna try it. We know, we know! And we're as sorry for this horrendous take as we are for this unsettling dubbed edit of the clip (please watch on low volume for minimal chewing sounds).
10. Space Apples
Jar Jar is slinging his tongue around again. This time, it's at the dinner table in the Skywalker household during The Phantom Menace. Jar Jar and his group of heroes are supposed to be trying to make a good first impression, but tongue-slinging really isn't the way to do that. Excuse you, Jar Jar.
At one point, the camera shows the fruit Jar Jar is trying to get his tongue around. They look like space apples. Our logic? Apples are fine. So space apples have to also be fine.
9. Fancy Schmancy Banquet Fruit
Attack of the Clones features plenty of Anakin-and-Padmé time, partially considering Anakin is protecting Padmé from assassins, and partially because they're in love (ooooOOOO).
This clip may be a hilarious edit of the real sequence, but it still gives us a solid view of dinner, which appears to be ... more space fruit! But this space fruit is better. It's fancy fruit. It's eat it with a fork and knife fruit. It's banquet for royalty fruit. And hardly a lump in sight. We'd bet it's cleaner, too, and there's a cute little swirly fruit right next to what looks like a space pineapple. We want that swirly fruit. We want it bad.
8. Luke's To-Go Box
Hey! That's his dinner!! In a briefcase? Well, when you're traveling across the galaxy, you gotta pack accordingly. Thankfully, we get just the slightest view of what's in Luke Skywalker's to-go box in The Empire Strikes Back.
Yoda, in full-on crazy mode, starts going through Luke's things and begins eating his food. The thing we see first could be anything from a taquito to a Taco Bell rolled chicken taco to an egg roll — all pretty decent options. As Luke rips it away from Yoda, we're shown a single frame of the box's contents. They're tough to make out clearly, but there's something orange in there (space carrots?) and maybe a few pieces of bread. It's probably the equivalent of a frozen dinner, which can range from bad to tolerable. But Luke's setup still seems relatively balanced, and the possibility of a rolled chicken taco from Space Taco Bell is selling us hard.
7. Tatooine Purple Juice
This purple-y juice from Attack of the Clones looks like a stellar summer refreshment, especially when summer lasts, like ... all year. We don't know exactly where it comes from, but it's probably a fruit!
6. Drinks On Canto Bight
Canto Bight — the Las Vegas of the galaxy — is where the rich go to spend their cash, test their luck, and get absolutely turnt. While it's full of terrible people (as we see fully in The Last Jedi), it still seems like a great place to go for a drink.
A glass of champagne. A sampling of fine wines in shimmering glasses. Whatever golden concoction is pictured in the scene above. We'll take one of everything and drink until we have enough liquid courage to set the Fathiers free. Enjoy your trashed-up club, one percenters.
5. Dex's Diner Platter
Well, whaddya know? Dex made what appears to be some kind of sandwich platter this time around. Just, a lovely little row of sandwiches, flanked by two little yellow blobs. It's the closest thing you can get to a Denny's Grand Slam in the galaxy, and sure, we haven't tasted it, but we're happy it exists.
4. Roast Porg
This really does hurt to write. Porgs, the fluffly puffin-like creatures from The Last Jedi, dominated the internet over the final months of the film's promotional run, and it's obvious why: They're ... so ... cute.
But the foods of Star Wars have left us with very few other options, and Chewbacca's roast Porg looks painfully good. Anything that resembles chicken is sort of a shoo-in for the top 5. But you'd have to be a heartless Sith Lord to be able to eat it with all those big, sad Porg eyes watching you.
3. Blue Milk
We'd have to forfeit our Star Wars fan cards if we forgot it: Aunt Beru's blue milk.
Blue milk debuted in the original Star Wars (later dubbed A New Hope) when Luke Skywalker is discussing the possibility of finally leaving the farm he's grown up on. Aunt Beru sets the table with cups filled with a peculiar periwinkle liquid that comes from from Banthas, hairy yak-like creatures that reside on Luke's home planet Tatooine.
Maybe it's the nostalgia, but we've been dying to try blue milk for ages now.
2. Green Milk
Ranking the green milk over the blue milk is bonkers. Good thing we live for anarchy.
Sorry to the original trilogy purists out there. Maybe it's just the guts of director Rian Johnson to throw this scene into The Last Jedi that has us blown away, but the green milk is canon now, and we've embraced it wholeheartedly.
Old man Luke Skywalker is giving Rey a tour of the island he's decided to call home. He strides out onto the island's rocky edge, where a pack of Thala-sirens (think large sea elephants) are grazing in what little sunlight they can soak up. Speaking of soaking up...
Luke kneels down beside one of the gentle giants, squeezes its udder, prompting the green milk to shoot out into a bottle he holds under it with his free hand. Farm to table. Luke tosses it down the hatch, the spillage dripping from his beard (adding shades of green to his grey), and gives Rey a look that says "Yep, this is how I live."
Rey, possibly horrified, then looks up at the creature as if to say, "Did that just happen (in Star Wars)?"
The Thala-siren looks back: "Hell yeah it did. Deal with it."
1. Rey's Portion Bread
Before we dig in to the top food item in our ranking, we just wanted to thank you for tagging along on this wild ride of Star Wars culinary exploration. You've stuck with us this far (or maybe just skipped to the end to see the top spot like a goober), so we'll spare you more reflection and just get on with it.
Before Rey learns the ways of the force in the sequel trilogy, we see her humble beginnings residing as a diligent junk scavenger on Jakku, another desert planet similar to Luke's home world. Rey scrounges up semi-valuable pieces of scrap from the wreckage of towering Star Destroyers (big space ships, for the non-converted), shot down in the battles of the old era. What value are they to her, you might ask? They're how she eats.
OK, she doesn't just chomp into a hunk of metal out of starvation. She collects her scraps and brings them to a junk-trading outpost run by a tyrannical orange blob named Donald Trum — I mean, Unkar Plutt. The scraps, for whatever reason, are worth something to Plutt, so scavengers trade him their valuable spare parts for food in the form of small packets. But these packets don't look like food. At least, not at first.
The Force Awakens lets us see exactly what happens to them when Rey takes her "one-quarter portion" home. In the shell of another downed war machine, Rey makes her meal. A sandy substance spills out of the packet and into a bowl of water. Somehow, the dust absorbs the water instantaneously, and rises into a little bread muffin thing.
It's insanely satisfying to watch. We're quite confident that this tiny loaf is a treat, perhaps a delicacy for a young scavenger, alone and broke on a desolate planet waiting in vain for her family to return to her. It's not much, but that little bread loaf probably tastes pretty sweet to Rey. And that's how we're choosing to see it.
Topics Star Wars