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If it weren’t for Bonk,amateure home sex videos would you even care?

The TurboGrafx-16 is an odd-duck console from gaming’s yesteryear. Even back in its early '90s heyday, the system, which was the fruit of a partnership between games maker Hudson Soft and Japanese tech outfit NEC, occupied a very, very small niche of the market.

If you’re old enough to have lived through those early days of the 16-bit console wars, you’ll likely remember that maaaaybe one kid in your neighborhood either owned it or knew someone who did. The black-box design, with its signature flat game cards, seemed distinctly Japanese and cool. And it was a rarity in U.S. households, which lent it a certain mystique.

I knew only two people growing up who owned the console and, curiously, they both shared something in common: They were not NES households. Which is to say, neither of those friends previously owned or even regularly played video games. (Presumably, they’d been gifted the console by some relative or family friend. But, I digress…)

I come to the TurboGrafx-16 Mini with cautious nostalgia. As Sony proved just over a year ago with its embarrassing PlayStation Classic, sometimes retreads are simply lazy cash-ins. Not so here, as Konami, which owns the now-defunct Hudson Soft, has lovingly packaged some of the system’s greatest hits into a reproduction that’s full of charm, but just shy of being polished.

The $99 mini-system, which was released on March 19, can be pre-ordered exclusively through Amazon. Although, good luck getting a unit right now: Coronavirus-related production setbacks have hampered its rollout, with units scheduled to ship in Europe at the end of the month and then to North America sometime after that.

The U.S. model I received comes with a total of 57 games, including 25 American titles and 32 from the Japanese PC Engine (as it was known there). While there’s certainly a lot of filler here, the inclusion of more well-known titles, like Splatterhouse, Bonk’s Revenge, AirZonk, and Alien Crush,should warm the hearts of anyone who logged time with the console back in the ‘90s.

And though it’s nice to have all of these gems in one place, I do wonder if some of this fan service was better left to modern-day, standalone ports.

First impressions (the second time around)

From its iconic neon orange and black packaging to the controller with ‘turbo’ toggles, and even the bizarre game card-loading system, the TurboGrafx-16 Mini immediately tugs at the heartstrings. It’s all been recreated here mostly as you remember. Inside the box, you’ll find just the console, TurboPad, HDMI cable, microUSB cable (the AC adapter’s not included), and instruction manual.

Setting up the system is a relatively painless affair. I say this because after five minutes of fumbling unsuccessfully with connecting the HDMI cable to it, I checked the instruction manual and noticed a drawing that showed the back half of the console as detached, allowing for quick and unobstructed access to the power and HDMI ports.

Note that the manual does not tell you to pop off the back casing, nor even how to do that without damaging the mini-console. I happened to get lucky by gently sliding a fingernail between its back seam and popping it off. But I did attempt some half-hearted tugs before that happy accident.

To Konami's credit, the included TurboPad’s cable is loooong. When I unfurled it from its black twisties, I cooed out a satisfying "Ooooh!" knowing this would allow me to sit comfortably on my couch instead of cozying up directly in front of my TV.

Once all the necessary cabling is connected, you simply power the system on and it immediately boots into a language selection screen. Make your choice and that’s when you’ll be dropped into the system’s delightful interface. It’s clear that a lot of care went into crafting this user experience as it’s riddled with charm, customization options, and one catchy-as-hell chiptune track.

The top portion of the menu screen recreates the system’s card-loading slot, while below it are heavily pixelated mini-icons for all of the games loaded for that region. Select one of these and the corresponding full-sized icon will rotate into view, styled much like the jewel cases that housed early TurboGrafx-16 games.

The bottom panel allows you to select the options menu, view the number of supported TurboPads per title, sort games (by release date, game format or alphabetically), as well as swap to the system’s collection of PC Engine games. Selecting options will bring you to a Settings menu that’s full of customizations for Display Settings, Wallpaper, and Menu Design.

Can we talk about its flair?

Display Settings offers users a CRT filter and five options for how they’d like the onscreen 720p image to output: 4:3, 4:3 wide, pixel perfect, full screen, and GT mode. None are labeled, so you’ll have to experiment to see which works best for you. Curiously, the last option emulates the screen of the handheld TurboExpress console. Is it cute? Sure. But why would you want to shrink your retro gaming experience down even further on a modern-sized TV? It’s sort of baffling as an option.

Oh, and remember how I said the system lacks a bit of overall polish? Well, if you happen to select this display option, you’ll notice a typo appear, labeling Button II as "Backl," and not simply "Back." I'm aware this is a minor quibble, but for $99, you don’t expect these kinds of flaws.

Perhaps the greatest flourish Konami added to the system’s presentation is how it switches between the American menu system and the PC Engine system. Those of you old enough to remember CRT TV sets will be delighted by the TV power-off animation that transitions the screen between both interfaces.

Select a game to start up and you’ll be treated to another surprising animation of that game’s HuCard, as the ROM cards were officially called, sliding into the system tray at the top of the screen. Now that’s flair! There’s even an expanded animation for the system’s CD-ROM-based titles. It’s a really thoughtful, endearing design touch.

Before I delve into what it’s like to re-play some of these titles once again, it’s important to point out how necessary that instruction manual is. Do. Not. Throw. It. Away. If you don’t check that manual, you won’t know how to properly set up the system without potentially damaging it (as I previously noted), nor how to suspend an in-progress game to save, load a save, or return to the menu select screen. You do that by pressing both the SELECT and RUN buttons simultaneously, by the way.

You’re welcome.

Now, about those games…

There are 57 games loaded onto the TurboGrafx-16 Mini, but I'm confident you’ll only ever really load up a few of the tried-and-true U.S. titles. Much of what’s wedged between well-known standouts like Bonk’s Revengeand Splatterhouseare, for lack of a more elegant term, duds. Trust me when I say that you’ll briefly start a session with, let’s say, racing game Victory Run, only to realize less than a minute in that it’s hot garbage better left to history’s recycle bin.

There’s another caveat to this whole TurboGrafx-16 mini retread and that’s the emulation, which was handled by Japanese developer M2. While apparently faithful to performance on the original hardware to a fault (see: the lag that absolutely murders frame rate during busy boss fights), many of the games’ graphics appear dark and even muddy. It’s not your eyes and it’s not your TV set. You’ll likely want to crank up the screen’s brightness a bit to compensate.

PC Genjin (Bonk’s Adventure)

If you pre-ordered the TurboGrafx-16 Mini for the chance to revisit one of the 16-bit era’s goofiest, but undeniably irresistible cavemen mascots, you’re in for a twist. The original game, Bonk’s Adventure, is nowhere to be found on the American game menu. No. You’ll have to swap to the PC Engine menu to start up the title, referred to here as PC Genjin.

From the opening notes of its theme music, to the ever satisfying gameplay loop of jumping on flowers, eating super meat to power up, collecting smileys, and bonking dinosaur-ish enemies on their heads, O.G. Bonk still delivers the fun.

Bonk’s Revenge

Once you’ve breezed through the Bonk that started them all, you’ll want to dip into its sequel. Yes, it’s more of the same enemy headbutting and platforming goodness. But why mess with the formula when it clearly works. Plus, that music.

Alien Crush

This was the first TurboGrafx-16 game I ever played. And while incredibly simplistic — it is just a pinball game, after all — there’s something to be said for its gross-out, alien horror aesthetic. To a pre-teen back in the early ‘90s, this was gnarly. Don’t be deceived by its seemingly shallow presentation. I guarantee you’ll have more fun with this one than you thought.

Blazing Lazers

This one’s somewhat of an anonymous bullet hell, space shoot'em up (shmup!) that's really fun to play. The barrier to entry here is low — you just hold down the fire button and maneuver while collecting gun upgrades — and though I have no idea what each upgrade icon corresponds to, it's a joy to have your weapons swap out constantly for different effects. That said, the one-hit kill is a bit of a jagged pill to swallow nowadays, but that's part of the arcade-y charm, I guess.

AirZonk

As much as Bonk will forever hold a place in my fond gaming memories, he doesn’t hold an electric candle to AirZonk. Unlike its spiritual predecessor, this game dispenses with the platforming for a whimsical, side-scrolling shooter. I’ve played this game throughout the years in its various incarnations across Nintendo’s virtual console, so clearly it’s a favorite. Unfortunately, the game suffers an inexcusable amount of slowdown when the action gets too busy onscreen which, for AirZonk, is most of the time. Give it a go if you’re curious, but don’t say you weren’t warned.

Splatterhouse

To a pre-teen at the time, no video game was more HARDCORE than Splatterhouseon the TurboGrafx-16. We were practically foaming at the mouth to play this one. The game, which borrows its main Jason Voorhees-like, hockey-masked character liberally from the Friday the 13thseries, is all about serving up horror and gore. Except, nowadays, it just seems quaint and trifling. The gameplay is slow, plodding even, and the controls are downright frustrating. It’s another one you’ll want to check out if only for nostalgia’s sake, but I doubt you’ll stick with this one for long.

I’ll admit, I wasn’t really expecting much from this miniaturized TurboGrafx-16. If anything, I assumed that this redheaded stepchild of 16-bit gaming would be nothing more than a bare minimum effort designed to milk money from a small but devoted slice of the market.

I’m happy to report that it is decidedly not that.

Konami has done the system and its fans justice, presenting a nearly all-around slickly designed package that oozes charm and delivers a curated archive of gaming goods. All that said, it’s a bit much to ask $99 for this experience — a $50 or $60 price point would’ve been much more attractive and could even potentially open up the system to those who might be hesitant.

Sure, in these days of #quarantime, I could be playing through the divisive Final Fantasy 7 Remakeor even logging hours with my (unwanted) villagers in Animal Crossing: New Horizons— and I am! But those games demand too much of my time and attention. I won’t always be flipping on the power switch of the TurboGrafx-16 Mini, but when I do, I know that I’ll be able to get in and out of the uncomplicated, retro action with a stupid smile on my face.