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The ??? ????? ??????? ????????holidays are stressful enough as it is. Add the variable of introducing a new significant other to the annual shit show, and you can end up feeling like the roast turkey everyone's about to dig into.

If you live far apart from your family, the holidays can often be one of the only viable options for introducing them to your new BAE. But that opportunity also comes with its own set of unique challenges.

We asked two relationship experts for advice on how to best set this momentous (potentially disastrous) first meeting up for success. Clinical psychologist and researcher Sue Johnson is an innovator in couples therapy who published her work on attachment theory in Love Senseand Hold Me Tight. Alexandra Solomon, a clinical psychologist from the Family Institute at Northwestern University who authored Loving Bravely,specializes in couples, marriage, and family therapy.

While our guide is geared toward big family gatherings much of the advice can be applied to any occasion.

1. Focus on identifying hurdles rather than the ideal time or setting

There's no exact date or time frame that's the most ideal for introducing your SO to the family.

A general rule of thumb is that big gatherings like the holidays aren't the best because they're overwhelming, high-stress times for everyone. In her experience, Johnson said, short, small gatherings are best initially, like coffee with the parents. It limits the interaction and also allows your parents to be a buffer when introducing your new SO to siblings or the larger extended family.

But Solomon warned that you also risk driving yourself crazy waiting for the perfect moment that doesn't exist.

"That's a bit of wishful thinking: If I just get the setting and timing right, then this will go smoothly. We do that instead of understanding and addressing the reasons why it might not," she said.

More important factors to consider is the stage your relationship is at and assessing how your family system typically responds to new people. The better barometer for whether you're ready, Johnson said, is to ask yourself, if something doesgo wrong, do I feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable with either my partner or family and ask them to repair It.

When you imagine introducing your SO to the family, what exactly makes you anxious (uncertainty about what it means for your relationship? Doubt over your family's reaction to it?) and what gets you excited? Use those answers to prepare for the speed bumps head-on prior to the meeting.

For example, if you're concerned about a parent being judgmental about your SO, talk to them ahead of time about their concerns and why you feel this is the right partner for you. When it comes to worrying about the relationship itself, Solomon warns that we often concoct false narratives to rationalize our fears. Don't read into them too much. It's usually just a reaction to taking an exciting but scary next step in the commitment continuum.

Being nervous doesn't mean your SO is not the right person or that your relationship is doomed. Often, it just means you care a lot, and that's actually a great sign.

2. Prepare your family

Both Solomon and Johnson emphasized that you should expect parents, siblings, and other family members to act out or be fraught with emotions when faced with meeting your new significant other.

"We need to recognize that we're all human beings in this situation. We're all amazingly vulnerable and sensitive to rejection cues and feelings of abandonment when it comes to the people we're very bonded to," said Johnson.

To a parent, a new significant other can signal the frightening transition of their child becoming a truly independent adult who might soon leave their family unit to form their own. It can feel like a loss or threat, leading to uncharacteristically immature or unhelpful behavior. Siblings might face feelings of rivalry, jealousy, or worry your partner will replace the close bond you share. The larger extended family might simply act on pack or in-group mentality, which makes them hostile toward any stranger perceived as being outside the group.

Prepare to have emotionally vulnerable conversations with members of the family experiencing a noticeably strong or negative reaction. They should not be framed as confrontations, but what Johnson calls "hold me tight conversations." Express your fears, anxieties, and exactly what you need from them by starting with, "It would really help me if..."

Don't underestimate the power of simply reassuring your family (particularly parents) that this new person they're potentially uncertain about makes you (the person they love) feel happy and safe.

3. Prepare and support your significant other

All of that goes for your significant other too, who will be dealing with an enormous amount of anxiety and need for acceptance if they care about you and your relationship.

Johnson said supporting your significant other not only requires stating your own needs clearly, but also asking how you can support them ahead of time. Some significant others might like knowing everything they can about the family, with scoops on each member's situation. Others might find that stressful and prefer going in without expectations.

Significant others should also be proactive about ensuring success. Encourage them to voice and ask questions about their anxieties at any time. If it's a dinner or holiday gathering, recommend they bring an appropriate gift for your parents and/or whoever is hosting. While at the event, they should offer to help by cleaning the dishes, clearing the table, cooking, or contributing to the meal by bringing their own dish.

Establish a safe word or gesture between you two so you can discretely indicate when either needs a check-in, break away from the family, or saving from a fraught situation. If it's over an extended period of time like the holidays, find respectful ways to make time for just the two of you. Ensure your partner feels taken care of, with space to process their own emotions and reactions without fear of judgment.

Another obstacle to look out for is either being overly apologetic about your family members' actions (which you can't control) or getting too defensive if your partner expresses negative feedback about your family.

"You can validate their experience without disowning your family. Hold onto a middle ground," said Solomon. "Your family isn't perfect. But also no one should expect them to be perfect."

4. Taking care of yourself

You're at the very center — acting essentially as the glue holding together and managing all these high emotions from loved ones. That's a lot of stress and pressure to bear, so absolutely don't forget to take care of yourself. Your feelings matter too, and your wellbeing is arguably the most important part of the puzzle.

"You're the one who's most invested in both these attachment figures. You don't want to face some painful situation where you feel as If you need to choose between them," said Johnson. "You must have your emotional balance, which requires being clear with all parties about your needs."

For example, if your parents start giving you harsh, unsolicited feedback about your partner, know that you have a right to call them out on crossing a boundary you're not comfortable with.

Solomon also recommends being mindful of alcoholic intake (for both you and your partner), "Because the more regulated we stay on the inside, the better we can respond with compassion and respect when feathers get ruffled."

It helps to remember that this first meeting, while an important milestone, is notan all or nothing situation.

"The Thanksgiving that happens five years from now is going to be radically different from the first Thanksgiving with your new partner," said Solomon. "Getting to know each other is a process."

Manage your expectations by setting a reasonably low bar for what success looks like, too. We can get carried away with anxiety-inducing visions of it going catastrophically wrong, and also impossibly idealistic fantasies of it going perfectly.

The pull of wanting your family to approve of your partner is very strong and natural. But at the end of the day, a lot of other things matter more in your relationship to a SO.

"There's this idea that if my parents love the relationship, that means it's a good one. But what's most important is how my partner and I experience each other, our own enthusiasm about what we're creating together. The best judge is how you and your partner feel about the relationship," said Solomon.

Make sure your partner knows that's your priority, too. It can really help offload unhelpful pressure for both of you.

Lastly (and this might seem counter to other advice we've given so far), try your best to take your hands off the wheel and simply trust that things will work out.

"Sometimes we want so much to get ahead of problems that we micromanage," said Solomon. But many parts of the situation are out of your control and not your responsibility. "So try to be open to positive possibilities you couldn't have predicted — happy surprises."

5. How to deal with differences

We're not only living in very divided times, but also an increasingly multicultural and multiracial romantic landscape. In all likelihood, your SO will have significant cultural, racial, political, religious, economic, and any variety of other meaningful differences from your family.

So Solomon strongly advises you ask your partner in advance, "How can I be an ally to you? How can I show up for you? What does supporting you look like in a tense moment?" It's especially important that partners of marginalized identities like gender, sexual orientation, and race feel you're creating a safe space for them in an unknown environment they're entering into out of love for you.

Some partners might want you to actively run interference on any microaggressions, triggers, or emotionally draining encounters that might arise. But some might feel patronized or othered by that, preferring to handle it in their own way. So ask, don't assume.

It's helpful to give your partner a quick Sociology 101 lesson on your family's norms. Give them tips and advice for how to navigate that landscape, like the landmines to avoid or customs and etiquette to follow, especially if it's a different culture to theirs.

If you're both die-hard leftist liberals entering a more conservative or apolitical space, for example, your family probably already has established rules (spoken or unspoken) for handling those divides. If there's a general consensus to avoid the topic, you can ask your partner to do you the personal favor of trying to respect that.

Of course, it's also your SO's right to be their own person and do what makes them most comfortable. But if you don't have the bandwidth for that confrontation, let them know that.

As Solomon said, "Part of what it is to love somebody is to understand and accept that families do stuff differently." Compromise is integral to great relationships, so respect what each of you is giving up in order to meet in the middle as a united force in the face of significant familial differences.

Some differences can even lead to great opportunities. When I told Solomon that my own partner would be meeting my Brazilian family that only speaks Portuguese for the first time this Thanksgiving, she explained how language barriers can actually lead to more meaningful interactions.

"What's lovely is how they'll both have to rely on non-verbal modes of communication," she said, referring to things like eye contact, cooking alongside each other, card games, music, dancing, handshakes, or hugs. "All these other, more ancient rules for how humans convey that, you know, you're welcome and we come in peace."

First impressions are always scary, especially when it feels like there's so much at stake. In the case of your SO and family, prepare for what you can and trust that the rest will follow.