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Twitter has published a blog post,?? ?? ?? and because I am a tech reporter cursed with the ability to understand English I have had to read it. Unsurprisingly, it is filled with empty platitudes that in no way reflect the well-reported reality of the current situation at Twitter.

Elon Musk's tenure as Twitter's owner, CEO, and executioner has been a rough one, plagued with problems entirely of his own making. In just a month the billionaire has made Twitter's verification badge available to purchase without actual verification, reinstated numerous previously banned accounts, and fired over half of the company's workforce (then asked some to come back). Advertisers have fled the platform in droves, with Twitter's future looking perilous to most reasonable observers.

As such, Twitter published a blog post on Wednesday saying that everything is actually absolutely fine over there, and there's no need to worry. This included a list of assurances seemingly intended to assuage both users' and advertisers' concerns. 

Of course, none of the company's claims are actually reassuring to anyone who's paid even the slightest bit of attention to Musk's Twitter takeover.

"First, none of our policies have changed. Our approach to policy enforcement will rely more heavily on de-amplification of violative content: freedom of speech, but not freedom of reach."

I'll give Twitter some points for this one — it is entirely possible that none of its policies have changed. However, this means absolutely nothing if said policies aren't actually being enforced, or are disappearing altogether.

Twitter has clearly stated it will no longer enforce its COVID-19 misinformation policy, ostensibly allowing users to post false coronavirus treatments and 5G conspiracy theories to their heart's content. Not only that, said policy has disappeared from Twitter's Help Center. The company has also welcomed back previously suspended accounts that violated this policy, along with accounts banned for inciting violence.

In fact, Musk has announced a blanket "amnesty" for all suspended accounts starting this week, which would reinstate all except those that have "broken the law or engaged in egregious spam." That means the potential return of accounts banned for everything from abuse and harassment, to posting gore or sexual violence, to promoting self-harm.

Twitter's "freedom of speech, but not freedom of reach" philosophy sounds an awful lot like the alleged "shadow banning" that disgruntled conservatives accused the platform of back in 2018, when it was helmed by former CEO Jack Dorsey. In actuality, Twitter explained its automated behavioural monitoring was flagging their accounts for troll-like behaviour rather than limiting them due to their ideology.

It will be interesting to see if Musk will earn a similar vitriolic reaction for limiting the reach of tweets based on their content.

"Our Trust and Safety team continues its diligent work to keep the platform safe from hateful conduct, abusive behavior, and any violation of Twitter's rules. The team remains strong and well-resourced, and automated detection plays an increasingly important role in eliminating abuse."

This platitude leans heavily upon a generous definition of "strong and well-resourced." Musk has publicly and repeatedly gutted Twitter's workforce in mass layoffs, going from approximately 7,500 global employees to a headcount in the mere hundreds.

Cut staff included members of the Trust and Safety team, which has been reduced by at least 15 percent. That report was just days into Musk's reign though, so it's possible more may have left this team in the company's multiple subsequent layoffs. Former Trust and Safety head Yoel Roth has also since left Twitter, and has been vocal about his misgivings concerning Musk's management.

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In the absence of actual employees, Twitter appears to be entrusting its fate to automated detection software. Unfortunately, as anyone who has ever worked with such software can tell you, it leaves a lot to be desired. These systems are fallible, typically incapable of nuance, and require real humans to check and maintain them.

The flaws in Twitter's overreliance on automated systems have already made themselves apparent. The platform's automated copyright system reportedly broke last month, allowing users to post full-length movies that they absolutely did not have the rights to.

"When urgent events manifest on the platform, we ensure that all content moderators have the guidance they need to find and address violative content."

Cool. Twitter reportedly only has one content moderator left on the team that removes child sex abuse material in the Asia Pacific region. For the record, the Asia Pacific region is home to 60 percent of the world's population.

The company can give this one person all the "guidance" in the world. They'll still only be one person.

"As we improve our policies and processes, bad actors will also develop new methods of disruption. This is not new. Our team of experts is constantly adapting to identify and defuse threats, and we are proud of our early results: impressions on violative content are down over the past month, despite the growth in overall usage on the platform."

Bad actors will continually develop new methods of disruption. Even so, they don't really need to if Twitter is willing to make the old ones so easy and effective. 

It's not difficult to believe Twitter has seen a growth in usage over the past month. Musk's takeover has made bad actors feel very comfortable using the platform, and besides, everyone loves to rubberneck at a car crash.

• Twitter Blue's relaunch has been delayed again, this time to avoid Apple's 30 percent fee
• Twitter will no longer enforce its COVID-19 misinformation policy
• Elon Musk says Twitter will give 'amnesty' to suspended accounts from next week
• Twitter's copyright system seemingly broken as full-length movies are posted on platform
• Elon Musk is reinstating banned Twitter accounts. Here's who's back.

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However, Twitter's claims do raise an interesting philosophical question. If a user posts content that may violate Twitter's policies but there's no moderation staff around to make a ruling, did anyone actually see violative content?

"Finally, as we embark on this new journey, we will make mistakes, we will learn, and we will also get things right. Throughout, we’ll communicate openly with our users and customers, to get and share your feedback as we build."

Musk's approach to Twitter has essentially been to throw spaghetti at the wall to see what sticks, which is a questionable cooking method and even worse management philosophy. Though to make this metaphor more accurate, it would be more like if the new head chef at a busy restaurant walked out to the dining area, threw spaghetti at the wall in front of all the longtime patrons, then stared at them in search of approval.

The Twitter verification badge debacle is a prime example of how badly this has been working out, with the platform making multiple rapid, confusing, and poorly thought out changes. This succeeded in nothing but alienating advertisers and eroding trust in the company.

Like most social media companies, Twitter previously took months to develop and test new features in order to minimise mistakes. This gave them the best chance for smooth implementation at launch, while reducing any potential harm. Now Twitter is causing mass chaos by shipping half-baked ideas to the public, and trying to convince users that this is a good thing.

Also, it's very funny that Twitter is claiming to want feedback considering Musk has been publicly firing employees who dare criticise him.

Twitter claims that its mission is to be "the town square of the internet," and that it is "better positioned to realize [its] ambitions than ever before." Which, I mean, I guess a town square covered in bird crap and lined with people shouting conspiracy theories is still a town square.

"We’ve always understood that our business and revenue are interconnected with our mission; they rely on each other," wrote Twitter. "Brand safety is only possible when human safety is the top priority. All of this remains true today… We remain committed to providing a safe, inclusive, entertaining, and informative experience for everyone."

Musk tries very hard to be funny, frequently reposting memes and having declared that "comedy is now legal" on Twitter. (He then banned unmarked parody accounts not long after.) However, knowing everything we do about how he has been running the company, Twitter's latest blog post may actually be the funniest the billionaire has ever been.